As a therapist who works with couples, this is a common scene played out in front of me:

Wife: “I just want him to do things around the house because he wants to.”

Husband: “She could’ve just asked.”

Wife: “But I don’t want to have to ask.”

Husband: “I’m not a mind reader.”

And there it is — that tense volley that ends with someone crying, someone shutting down, and both feeling unseen.

So what’s really going on here?

It’s not about the dishes. It’s about the mental load — the invisible labor of remembering, anticipating, and managing everything that keeps a household (and family) afloat. This mental load isn’t just about errands and chores. It’s planning the school play costume, remembering your mother-in-law’s birthday, scheduling the vet appointment, organizing holiday travel, and being the one to notice when the lightbulb’s been out for a week.

A 2023 study from the University of Bath found that mothers manage over 70% of household coordination tasks — everything from daily logistics to emotional upkeep — despite most partners reporting that they “share responsibilities equally” ( University of Bath, 2023 ).

The issue isn’t that things don’t get done. It’s that one person often becomes the keeper of the list, the reminder system, and the emotional barometer all in one. It’s like running your brain with a thousand tabs open — sure, it works for a while, but eventually the system overheats.

Clinically, this mental load correlates with higher levels of burnout, irritability, and marital dissatisfaction — especially among women balancing work and home roles (Daminger, 2019; Robertson, 2021). Over time, the partner carrying the heavier mental load can start to feel more like a manager than an equal. And from experience, when couples say they’re struggling with intimacy, this topic usually isn’t far behind.

Shifting the Dynamic

As a therapist, my goal isn’t to assign blame. Both partners are usually hurting in their own ways. My real client is the relationship itself — and that means helping both people move from blame to what I call “the game.”

“What’s the game?” simply means: what’s the game plan to fix the pattern?

Therapy helps by slowing things down. We start by examining how each partner communicates needs — or avoids doing so. Borrowing from Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we focus on gentle start-ups, specific requests, and appreciation instead of criticism. Once the emotional temperature cools, we move toward sustainable, practical changes.

- Weekly household meetings: 10–15 minutes to review tasks, update each other, and redistribute responsibilities.
- Shared calendars or task apps: If it’s not written down, it’s not real. Initiative audits: Ask to see what’s on your partner’s mental list — and take a few things off without being prompted.
- Express appreciation: Genuine acknowledgment softens the imbalance of invisible work.
- “Look and See, Clean Three”: A small tool I give (mostly) my male clients. Every time you enter a room, find three things to put away or clean. It builds awareness and initiative — and turns maintenance into a habit rather than a request.

Mental load isn’t a character flaw; it’s a systems issue. When couples learn to share both the doing and the thinking, everything else gets lighter — the tone, the tension, the tiny resentments that build up over time. Suddenly, “Who’s doing the laundry?” stops being a fight and starts being teamwork.

Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633.
Robertson, J. (2021). Invisible Work, Invisible Workers: The Gendered Mental Load in Modern Families. Journal of Family Issues, 42(11), 2610–2632.
University of Bath. (2023). Mothers bear the brunt of the mental load, managing 7 in 10 household tasks. https://www.bath.ac.uk/announcements/mothers-bear-the-brunt-of-the-mental-load-managing-7-in-10-household-tasks/
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.