Boundaries are an interesting concept. They are invisible, subject to change, and are present in practically all of our friendships, relationships, and other social connections. But what exactly are boundaries, and why do they change as we move through life?

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the invisible lines that we put in place around ourselves to protect us from experiencing emotional, physical, or psychological harm. Our boundaries serve to set clear limits regarding our thoughts, needs, emotions, beliefs, physical space, and more. There are physical boundaries (e.g., “I do not want a hug”) as well as emotional boundaries (“I need to take a pause on this conversation"). Boundaries may also be based on time or space (e.g., “please respect that I need to be left alone and need the apartment to be quiet while I study”).

Why Do We Need Them?

Boundaries allow us to be our authentic selves without having to sacrifice our own health or happiness along the way. Our boundaries help indicate to others things or behaviors we find helpful and those we find harmful. Boundary setting also helps to foster self-care, as setting a boundary addresses, honors, and protects our personal needs. Furthermore, our boundaries act as our own personal limits, protecting our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. When one lacks boundaries, they are more inclined to experience burnout, resentment, feeling overwhelmed or taken advantage of, and lacking an overall sense of identity.

Why Boundaries Change

Our boundaries are not static rules, but rather personal limits that naturally evolve. As we grow, have new experiences, and move through various life stages, our needs, priorities, and capacities also grow and move with us. Something that may have felt acceptable at one point in time may later feel draining, uncomfortable, or even harmful. Boundaries also shift as we learn more about ourselves and develop our own insight. As one’s self-awareness grows and develops, it can open our eyes to areas of our lives where we may need more protection, balance, or flexibility. Therefore, a shifting of boundaries is not a sign of inconsistency or failure, but rather a reflection of one’s growth and commitment to honoring their needs.

Redefining Our Boundaries to Others

At times, redefining our boundaries may feel uncomfortable, awkward, or even selfish. You may worry that others will perceive these changes as you being cold, distant, or difficult. However, redefining a boundary simply means that we are making an adjustment to how we communicate and are enforcing our personal limits to better care for ourselves. We are allowed to change our minds and do not need to justify or overexplain our new boundaries for them to be considered valid. When redefining boundaries to others, it is important to utilize open and honest communication. This may require a revisitation of previously accepted behaviors and an explanation that they no longer work for you. Though this may feel awkward, setting boundaries is a crucial part of any healthy relationship. Having clear boundaries helps to reduce confusion and resentment, as others are aware of and understand what we need, expect, or what we don’t need.

Tips for Setting and Upholding Boundaries

● Clarify your needs to yourself. Before communicating a boundary to others, take some time to understand what you need and why! Having self-awareness will help in strengthening your confidence when it comes time to set your limits.
● Be direct and respectful. No one likes to beat around the bush. Be sure to use clear, straightforward language, and (if possible) try to avoid apologizing for your needs. Your boundaries are not a request for permission and typically do not warrant an apology.
● Be consistent. When it comes to setting boundaries, consistency really is key! Now that you’ve laid out your boundaries, be consistent in your follow-up. Inconsistency may send mixed messages, making it more difficult for boundaries to be maintained.
● Prepare for discomfort. I never said boundary setting was easy! In reality, setting or enforcing boundaries may feel awkward and uncomfortable, especially if others are not used to them.
● Practice self-compassion. Communicating and upholding boundaries is not a skill you learn overnight. Give yourself some grace as you learn and make adjustments.goes here

Conclusion

Boundaries are crucial when it comes to maintaining our well-being and preserving our relationships. They are not walls we create to isolate ourselves, but rather serve as guides that help us show up authentically in our various relationships. We are humans who grow and change; therefore, so will our boundaries. Redefining and upholding boundaries is a true testament to one’s self-respect and self-care. By honoring our needs and our personal limits, we are able to engage in relationships rooted in respect, balance, and mutual understanding. Ultimately, our boundaries enable us to preserve and protect our energy while still allowing us to meaningfully connect with others.

Written by: Jordan Zamarripa, Graduate Student Intern