Welcome to the first blog of a unique 3-part series on LGBTQIA+ people: who exactly they are, how they experience themselves, and how they interact with the world. Maybe you’re a friend, parent, or ally of a queer person, or maybe you’re just curious to learn more than the basics. Today, we’ll take a quick dive into what makes people gravitate toward one another, romantically or otherwise.

Why do I say “LGBTQIA+” you ask? Seems long. Good question! People often talk about the “LGBTQ community,” but lesbians, bi men, trans women, demisexual people, and those with Klinefelter syndrome, let’s say, have wildly different experiences and challenges—which is why I personally prefer “communities” over “community,” FWIW. The added letters just stand for a couple of significant groups that don’t always get a seat at the table. We’ll meet them later. (These are just the terms I like to use. Continue to use whatever you’re used to or comfortable with!)

We’ll actually tuck into our alphabet soup next time, adding some fascinating knowledge and context to what you’ve already heard, including lesser-known affectional orientations and relationship patterns that might make you question what you thought you knew. I’ll be shocked if you don’t learn something new and surprising!

I know—I did it again. I like to say “affectional orientation” instead of “sexual orientation” for a few reasons, like:

For a long time, non-heterosexual people were defined by and discriminated against due to some people’s preoccupation with what might be happening behind closed doors. But relationships aren’t all about sex. For most people, they’re predominantly about love and profound human connection. Many people’s experiences with relationships, sex, and romance don’t fit the mold most people think of as “sexual orientation.”

This will all make a lot more sense as we go.

The Law of Attraction

Let’s talk about attraction and how it informs our relationships. When people think of attraction, they mostly think of sexual attraction. But that barely scratches the surface!

Attraction tends to fall into about five categories:

Romantic
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Intellectual

Every relationship you have with another human is a unique mix of these elements. For example, you might experience more emotional, intellectual, and maybe physical (touch, proximity, affection) attraction to a good friend. Then, most of us have people we primarily connect with on an intellectual level, or sexually, with varying degrees of the rest. A long-term romantic partner may rate highly in most or all of these categories.

With a few notable exceptions, when you tend to have more emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction to a certain type(s) of person, welp—that’s your affectional orientation!

Putting it Together

Here are a couple really interesting illustrations of how attractions can combine, and how they can inform somebody’s orientation:

A significant number of heterosexual men (around 6%, based on self-report) are attracted to and do sexual stuff with another guy, if not several guys. “Sooooo, not straight?” you ask. Well, it’s not necessarily that simple. For example, some of these guys may have had romantic feelings for another man before (they might’ve even acted on them), but this attraction happens relatively infrequently, and they generally experience such a stronger mix of physical, romantic, and sexual attractions toward women that, for them, it isn’t significant enough to move the needle or change their self-perception.

Then, some men can act on sexual attraction to dudes without being at all interested in them romantically or emotionally. They would never date one. So, because they would only ever be in a romantic relationship with a woman, they still experience themselves as heterosexual. This is another example of when the term “affectional orientation” might make more sense. It’s also one reason why sometimes, especially in health and medicine, you might see MSM (men who have sex with men) or WSW (women who have sex with women) instead of gay or bi—labels don’t tell the whole story!

I promised you new and fascinating information, no?

Long story short, the unique combination of your attractions to another person tells you how close you feel to them and what kind of relationship it is. Okay, then—that’s plenty for now, I think. So now that we have an idea of how attraction and affectional orientation work, next time we’ll talk about several of the groups and identities floating in our alphabet soup. If you’re looking for more intriguing, in-depth information and greater context for understanding LGBTQIA+ people and communities, join me for blog #2 of 3!

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to challenge the opinions or beliefs of any person or group. The informational contents arebased on experiential and empirical evidence and research.

Written by: Justin Coffey, LPC-A