One of the joys of working with children is seeing how they lead with curiosity. Children have the wonderful position of finding most people/places/things new and exciting. However, that curiosity can sometimes turn into a headache for parents when that energy goes towards a behavior that is not appropriate. In my experience as a play therapist, I understand that children need room to explore things but limits are needed in that exploration.

Limit setting is a practice I utilize everyday in addressing curiosity-driven behaviors in session and it’s a practice that parents can certainly benefit from. Limits are utilized in my sessions for the following reasons:

To protect the child from hurting themselves or others.
To protect valuable property.
To maintain my acceptance of the child.
To provide consistency in my play sessions.

A rule of thumb with limit setting is limits are not needed until they are needed. It’s important to reflect on what behaviors your child performs that require limitation and parental intervention. Before setting a limit with your child, ask yourself:

“Is this limit necessary?”
“Can I consistently enforce this limit?”
“If I don’t set a limit on this behavior, can I consistently allow this behavior and accept my child?”

Limit setting follows a three-step A-C-T method:

Acknowledge your child’s feeling or desire: What are they feeling when they do this behavior? Is it fun? They think it’s funny? Does it bring them joy?
Communicate the limit: What exactly is the limit? If they are playing rough with a ball in the house, what exactly needs to change??
Target acceptable alternatives: Provide one or more choices (depending on age of your child) on what they can do instead.

A common limit I set in session is when clients shoot Nerf gun bullets at me. Here is how I would follow the A-C-T method with a client named Sam who struck me with a nerf gun bullet:

A: “Sam, I know you think it’s fun to shoot at me with the nerf guns….”
C: “but I’m not for shooting.”
T: “You can shoot the nerf guns at the punching bag or the puppets and pretend they're the bad guys.”

When following the A-C-T method, limits should be stated firmly, but calmly and matter-of-factly. The goal isn’t to try to force your child to obey the limit, but rather presenting the limit so it’s up to the child to decide to accept or break the limit. With this method, your main job, as the parent, is to consistently enforce the limit. Remember to be patient when first setting limits as this is a new experience for your child. It may be necessary to repeat the limit one to two times to allow your child to bring themselves under control.

Providing your child with consistent limits provides a predictable, safe environment with a sense of security. Limit setting can teach your child self-control and responsibility for their own actions by allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices and decisions. Practice makes perfect and having consistency in limit setting gives your child the opportunity to practice these skills for the real world.

Written by: Erin Cominotti, LPC