5 Steps to Setting Boundaries
Written By Kelsey Comstock, Graduate Student Intern
From your significant other to your mother, relationships are complicated. This is not to say that relationships aren’t worth it. Though, sometimes it may feel that way. Sometimes you may feel the urge to cut ties because you’re sick of feeling hurt or tired of fighting. At the end of the day, the choice is yours. However, it may be worth exploring the concept of boundaries before burning any bridges.
The decision to set boundaries with someone is not a selfish act. For many, it is the saving grace of the relationship. A relationship without boundaries may not be sustainable in the long-term. By setting boundaries within a relationship, you are creating a safety measure for the relationship to continue as you take care of your needs. The act of setting boundaries can look different depending on the individual and the situation. However, here are 5 steps that can help you establish healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
Step 1: Identify the behavior that upsets you
Sometimes it is hard to identify what the cause of the strain in the relationship is. What is the person doing that upsets you?
Step 2: Take ownership of your feelings
One common mistake that people make is blaming others for how they feel. A person’s behavior may provoke feelings, but those feelings belong to you. This is not to say that your feelings are not valid. Again, this is about two different individuals trying to maintain a relationship. Their behavior and your feelings both play a role in this interaction. Own your half.
Tip: When communicating your feelings, swap out “You make me feel…” statements for “I feel…” statements. This lowers the defensiveness that may arise during these conversations.
Step 3: Decide your response
A common misconception about boundaries is that you tell the other person how they need to change their behavior. Instead, you need to decide what behavior you will engage in as a response. You can only control your response. Common responses to boundaries include: changing the subject, saying “no”, and removing yourself from the conversation or situation.
Step 4: Communicate the boundary
As always, communication is key in relationships! If you fail to communicate the boundary, the other person may feel confused or rejected which in turn could further damage the relationship. Some people may be defensive by the term “boundary”, others may be open. The word boundary doesn’t need to be in the conversation. Communicating a boundary can be as simple as, “When you do this, I will do that”.
Step 5: Enforce the boundary
Follow through with what you said you will do. If you said that you are going to say no to a specific request, then say no. If you said you are going to leave a conversation, then leave the conversation.
Setting these boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. These five steps can provide clarity and a guideline to make the process easier. By recognizing the behaviors that upset you, taking ownership of your feelings, and establishing clear, enforceable boundaries, you may pave the way for healthier, more harmonious connections. While relationships remain complex, it's through the process of boundary setting that you can navigate these complexities with ease.
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